I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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