where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
