That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
