Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
