Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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