trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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