its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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