Just fell off a train. Bad.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
