Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
