I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
