trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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