my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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