Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize