looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize