can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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