Soap is not a condiment
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
