Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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