just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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