thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
