Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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