why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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