Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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