nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
there is glitter all over my balls
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
