Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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