I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
