I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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