Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My ass is underappreciated
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
