the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
