You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
