i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
