I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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