I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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