He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
