we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
