If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
