she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
