You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
