dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
