Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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