just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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