i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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