we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
