I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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