so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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