you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
