It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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