In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
