just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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