You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
