Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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