This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
being pregnant is like rehab
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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