i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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