glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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