I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
