The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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