Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
