News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
