I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
