So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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