my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
