New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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