The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
