chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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