get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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