also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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