I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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