i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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