o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How naked do you want me to be?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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